I hate making mistakes.
I just hate the feeling. Yeah, I know, there is all this good stuff about them and growth but they just feel like shit.
Well, especially when my mistakes hurt others. When I act in ways that are so obviously damaging to others—to those close to me.
I don’t know about you, but I can’t recall the last time I thought, “Wow, this is going to really be bad for my kids—let’s do this!” Or, “I know this is going to blow lots of money and take years to correct, but hell, yes, BUY IT!”
In some ways I wish I were to devious because then at least I could feel smarter, wiser, more attune.
Because me, I just do dumb things. Some thoughtless, some selfish, some just downright ignorant.
And then I just can’t stand when it’s revealed to me that I’ve upset someone or hurt someone’s feelings. I just hate it. It makes me wanna just get away—to leave the planet, at least.
So, as I sit in times of great dis-stress I can’t help but long for a higher level of perfection.
- Imagine, never wasting money on a cheap infomercial product again
- Imagine, never making your spouse mad by flirting, again.
- Imagine never raising your voice with your kids.
- Imagine never wasting a workout or blowing your diet on pizza night.
- Imagine never watching your favorite TV show when you had work to do.
- Imagine never forgetting a birthday, holiday, or your spouses favorite color.
- Imagine never getting another speeding ticket.
Perfect?
Perfectly silly, right?
I mean come on, this is life. We are not here to be perfect but we can learn to be with what we’ve done, to sit with emotions that don’t feel good and accept. To shine light where there is darkness, to love even when you don’t like.
And let’s be honest here… the desire to want things to be other than as they are is about control. I want to control the impact I have on others, to control myself such that they would have the emotional response I desire. For anyone to have any emotional response is an extension of, a form of, control. It’s not overt control but it is control and that’s the wrong place to focus.
Perfect would be boring and it’s not really perfect, is it? Perfect is as it is. For life is far too complex for us to label “good” or “bad” in any moment, without the benefit of time.
For if it is true, and I believe it is, that the universe is always trending towards the positive, that it’s always pushing us to the opening to a higher plane of operating, then it’s up to us to embrace the process, to get messy, to be with the pain with as much gusto as we are with the joy.
Think about it. If you can’t love the challenging parts, then how can you fully and openly love the joyful parts?
You can’t.
When you shut down the openness to difficult expression and experience you shut down the openness to joy and love too.
And believe me, this is coming from an expert is preferring the positive to the less than so. I’ve been long “allergic to” painful emotions, especially ones that I’ve been invited to accept a leading role in.
Now, this doesn’t mean you have to love it. You needn’t go seeking the “bad” stuff. But neither can you live fully be shying away from and being afraid of doing things that cause others distress.
Blaming Yourself
The thing you’ve got to watch out for, the trap in this life process is self-blame. You do something that upsets someone or lets someone—yourself included—down and the blame game begins. You take the blame thinking that’s the good soldier thing to do.
Well, in reality taking the blame is just another way to try and make it go away, to get it off the table, to tolerate the difficult emotions.
It’s like this: You’re out of shape, overweight and unhappy about it. So, you blame yourself. You have this loathing attitude about the stuff you’ve not done and the stuff you have.
Where does this get you?
It’s a pity, disdain, hostility… there’s a lot of emotions none of which are empowering. None of which are inspiring of change.
Don’t blame, don’t criticize, don’t even bother making reasons why what is, is.
If you’re 20-30 lbs overweight, simply label it as it is. You can skip the history, avoid the story, and just be with what is.
Whatever you’ve done or not done over the last 10 years doesn’t really have a thing to do with this moment. For THIS is where we are. What matters, and where we can and should focus energy, is on where we are going, and what we want to do.
Labeling us as “bad” blaming ourselves and our lives is a victim story and there’s nothing empowering about being a victim. We tell ourselves this story enough and it becomes real—and then, how are you going to get out of it?
Want things to be different?
Sit with what is. Make friends with it. Don’t have to love it but hating it isn’t of any benefit. You may find it doesn’t fit and just decide to drop it. You may want to run away from it, which you can use.
But the future is in the future (yeah, not kidding). Put your attention there. Find the energy that propels you to where you want to be, who you truly are, not where you’ve been or what people want to label you as.
Get Clear and Take Action
Clear on where you are going.
Action? Take small action steps you can repeat daily. This is where doing something physical every day matters. This is where starting your day with a Full Strength shake tells you that you mean business, that you matter, that you’re going to succeed.
No, it’s not perfect but it’s a strong step on the path towards your better, stronger, self.
By Shawn Phillips, originally for startstrongmonday.com